Alex's life advice
Oct. 21st, 2013 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberett... which, of course, comes with ALL the disclaimers about how I am actually making this all up as I go along. Caveat emptor; how I react to situations is Known Odd so it won't necessarily work for you. Also, I can easier teach twenty what were good to be done/than be one of twenty to follow mine own teaching.
But, because I've ended up saying approximately this several times over the past week or so, have a blog post, I suppose?
One: get familiar with your insecurities, and learn to distinguish between intrinsic & extrinsic issues -- not because one is more important or more reasonable than the other (because that bullshit is bullshit), but because it makes it easier to work out workarounds and solutions. I'm not sure intrinsic vs extrinsic has been formalised by anyone, but I use it to mean: Shit I Am Bringing To The Table versus Shit Other People Have Done. So, like, my hypersensitivity to perceived exclusion and to imposing on people is My Stuff and being aware of it, and knowing it's not always rational, means that when Other People (hi guys, I love you, this is just a really good illustrative example ♥) don't tell me about plans or events, I can react appropriately. Specifically, in this example, the appropriate reaction is (1) I have Issues about this that are colouring my interpretations (2) I should ask for reassurance (3) we should work out what actually went wrong so it can not happen again, because we all like each other, and usually it turns out to be "... sorry, we forgot", or "... sorry, I assumed you didn't want to know about things you probably wouldn't be able to get to." (Whereas if I can't make that separation, I'm likely to go on a three-day bender involving serious depressive slump and crying myself dry before deciding that the best thing to do is to cut off all contact with the people in question.)
Two: be open to good-faith communication. This is basically rephrasing point one, which boils down to "trust yourself, and trust other people you have reason to trust and no reason to distrust, bearing in mind that past trauma is a completely legitimate reason to be wary." It is hard fucking work and nowhere like as simple as I make it sound, as you can tell from (a) my meltdown about it earlier today (see DW, etc) and (b) the amount of time and money I'm investing in counselling on the topic.
Three: scheduling.
But, because I've ended up saying approximately this several times over the past week or so, have a blog post, I suppose?
One: get familiar with your insecurities, and learn to distinguish between intrinsic & extrinsic issues -- not because one is more important or more reasonable than the other (because that bullshit is bullshit), but because it makes it easier to work out workarounds and solutions. I'm not sure intrinsic vs extrinsic has been formalised by anyone, but I use it to mean: Shit I Am Bringing To The Table versus Shit Other People Have Done. So, like, my hypersensitivity to perceived exclusion and to imposing on people is My Stuff and being aware of it, and knowing it's not always rational, means that when Other People (hi guys, I love you, this is just a really good illustrative example ♥) don't tell me about plans or events, I can react appropriately. Specifically, in this example, the appropriate reaction is (1) I have Issues about this that are colouring my interpretations (2) I should ask for reassurance (3) we should work out what actually went wrong so it can not happen again, because we all like each other, and usually it turns out to be "... sorry, we forgot", or "... sorry, I assumed you didn't want to know about things you probably wouldn't be able to get to." (Whereas if I can't make that separation, I'm likely to go on a three-day bender involving serious depressive slump and crying myself dry before deciding that the best thing to do is to cut off all contact with the people in question.)
Two: be open to good-faith communication. This is basically rephrasing point one, which boils down to "trust yourself, and trust other people you have reason to trust and no reason to distrust, bearing in mind that past trauma is a completely legitimate reason to be wary." It is hard fucking work and nowhere like as simple as I make it sound, as you can tell from (a) my meltdown about it earlier today (see DW, etc) and (b) the amount of time and money I'm investing in counselling on the topic.
Three: scheduling.