... and spoil the child.
Sep. 24th, 2015 08:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberett(CN abuse.)
azurelunatic, elsewhere, a while ago:
So since then I've been trying to catch myself when I tell a partner they're spoiling me, because what I'm actually doing with that, I think, in addition to the you shouldn't (because I don't deserve nice things; because I shouldn't get used to them; because they'll end up resenting me for it or holding it over me; and on, and on...) is -- distancing myself from it, reframing it as something I understand, as something that is not a gift freely given for the sake of maybe making me smile, but a calculated transaction to keep me quiet and buy my time and my energy and my compliance. I'm trying to turn it into something that makes more sense to me; what I mean is you don't mean this.
And that's not fair to my partners, and it's not fair to me, so I'm trying, ever so gently, to retrain myself on this one.
azurelunatic, elsewhere, a while ago: When people say "spoiled child" I look for not enough love, not too much. It seems to me that often people who could be described as a "spoiled child" come from backgrounds where a child is "cared for" by starving them of attention, affection, and approval, but they do have all their apparent physical needs met, and are given expensive things instead of giving them the positive human contact they need. It's a really insidious form of neglect. [...] When the expensive thing is exactly the way the child would like it, it's a sign that the parent is paying attention to the child's hopes and preferences. When the thing is not exactly right (since the parent is perceived to be infallible in making material things happen), it is a sign of inattention/disapproval and is a horrible catastrophic sign of a degradation in the relationship.
So since then I've been trying to catch myself when I tell a partner they're spoiling me, because what I'm actually doing with that, I think, in addition to the you shouldn't (because I don't deserve nice things; because I shouldn't get used to them; because they'll end up resenting me for it or holding it over me; and on, and on...) is -- distancing myself from it, reframing it as something I understand, as something that is not a gift freely given for the sake of maybe making me smile, but a calculated transaction to keep me quiet and buy my time and my energy and my compliance. I'm trying to turn it into something that makes more sense to me; what I mean is you don't mean this.
And that's not fair to my partners, and it's not fair to me, so I'm trying, ever so gently, to retrain myself on this one.
Re: . . . BABBLE ALERT? Ahem.
Date: 2015-09-25 04:28 pm (UTC). . . except that . . . acting out and lashing out and random outbursts with no apparent reasonable cause are classic abused child behaviour . . . .? (Like this is in the abbreviated literature in like, pamphlets handed to class leaders, even!)
*mentally resets timeline* Okay, to be fair, WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, they may legit not have known that. We have learned much in the last few decades about what abused children actually look like (and the VAST SPECTRUM) as opposed to what our narratives say they should. *scrubs face*
(nb: actual appropriate response, applicable all children: "wee!kab, inside voice, and we do not stamp our feet." because repetition of expected behavioural standards is important because sometimes kids legit just forget in the momentary grip of emotion, and then one of two options: one is the one where there is Non Movable Reason for grouping, which does not really apply to "being on a team in PE" but would go something along the lines of EXPLAINING non-movable reason etc - this is more along the lines of "yes you have to stand in this order to get your shots/no you cannot go on the fieldtrip without a signature from your guardian" etc; two is more appropriate for "being on a team in PE" which is "establish reason for Unexpectedly Vehement Reaction and go from there." Among other things, if it IS a child just being mean zirSELF, in the "but they're UCKY and I don't LIKE them", it's going to be much more effective to pull that out and detail why THAT's not acceptable or correct behaviour than to just make the child go over there, at which point the child will just continue to misbehave and act out, because this is what children DO when stressed. BUT I DIGRESS.)
But yeah I can see how that gets there easily.
And I mean fwiw, shit that got me literally attacked with "spoiled" when I was young: getting to have music lessons, going to see my grandparents, completely imagined gifts and stuff that I "must" be getting because my parents were "rich", being designated user of one of the two family cars (because this in turn allowed my mother to deploy me for family errands/picking up siblings/etc), having a cell-phone (because this let my anxious mother be able to find me AT ALL TIMES), having weird emotional needs that involved things like needing to avoid people at times that were disapprove of by adults around me . . .
Shit I attack MYSELF for being "spoiled", to this day: parents continuing to help me financially (they own the condo, the car is a family car, etc), getting support and help when severely depressed, etc.
But these were . . . *waves hand* they included versions of "spoiled" that even I back then would stop and think "but that's not what that means, I don't act like that", it's just, even if you don't think you are $thing, if people call you $thing all the time you start doubting your sanity, whee, gaslighting! Even inadvertent!
So yeah. When I say "in my idiolect" I mean "as ever used by actual well-intentioned adults around each other to describe a phenomenon now that I am also an adult", and it's also pretty much always a judgement on the parenting going on, not on the child, it's just that for whatever reason it's the child we have to deal with.
ANYWAY.