Alex's (unsolicited) life advice
Feb. 27th, 2018 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaberettI wish there were some productive way for me to communicate to humans at large that, if they see a lone wheelchair user Out And About, prior to approaching them they should ask themselves Two Simple Questions:
(1) Would the question I'm about to ask be kinda weird and intrusive if the wheelchair weren't present?
(2) Would I ask it anyway?
This enables people to e.g. stop and offer me a sympathetic cigarette because I'm clearly having stunningly obvious hysterics by the side of the river and have been for some time, while actively militating against... pulling their car into a lane they'd never normally be in, stopping, leaning over the empty seat to open the passenger-side door, and asking me if I'm okay.
I WAS PLAYING POKEMON.
I'M FINE.
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT GIVES YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M NOT SO I CAN STOP DOING IT.
(1) Would the question I'm about to ask be kinda weird and intrusive if the wheelchair weren't present?
(2) Would I ask it anyway?
This enables people to e.g. stop and offer me a sympathetic cigarette because I'm clearly having stunningly obvious hysterics by the side of the river and have been for some time, while actively militating against... pulling their car into a lane they'd never normally be in, stopping, leaning over the empty seat to open the passenger-side door, and asking me if I'm okay.
I WAS PLAYING POKEMON.
I'M FINE.
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT GIVES YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M NOT SO I CAN STOP DOING IT.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-27 10:35 pm (UTC)Not to mention that halfway across a street or down some stairs (neither of which is an exaggeration, both have happened to me) is a really bad time to interrupt or startle a white cane user who's probably concentrating on a lot more things than you are at that moment.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-27 10:41 pm (UTC)YES. Different set of challenges, obviously, but people LOVE asking me if I need help i.e. demanding I pay them a Socially Acceptable Amount Of Attention And Gratitude when I'm in the middle of something technically challenging that would be absolutely fine if they weren't distracting me.
See also: people yanking doors out of my hands "to be helpful" when at the point at which I'm holding the door I'd got my manoeuver planned out to use the momentum I'd get from pushing off it.
(Spot! The set of things that's happened to me today!)
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-27 11:47 pm (UTC)On a related note: the number of people who have gotten a door for me when I've got the cane and a ton of shit I'm wrangling to boot that I then feel obliged to deal with maneuvering past them because elsewise they'll Be Aggrieved at my Lack Of Appreciation even though that whole damn thing is MUCH MORE TROUBLE than just letting me use the goddamned automated door that works JUST FINE and is LITERALLY HERE FOR THIS PRECISE PURPOSE of assisting disabled people manage doors.... is not small. And most days I really don't have the energy to deal with the Aggrieved, however transiently, sigh.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 09:20 am (UTC)*Empathy*
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-27 11:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 10:40 am (UTC)A friend who uses crutches regularly has the door snatched away while the door handle is the only thing holding him up, resulting in him being left sprawled at 'helpful' person's feet.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 03:26 pm (UTC)I guess the best plan is for me to file 'do you need help?' as an exception to the Two Simple Questions rule, because it's a case where treating disabled people 'just like anyone else' is in fact detrimental.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 04:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-03-01 05:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-03-03 09:43 pm (UTC)Something about this year it seems like more people are actually asking me, and when I say, "Nope, I've got this" they're "Cool" and no micro-aargh and all is well.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 10:37 am (UTC)I challenged him on it and he insisted he had been right to do it.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 01:18 am (UTC)Excellent advice, thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 09:13 am (UTC)I once had a dodgy-looking[1] couple approach me while I was waiting to cross at the traffic lights and ask me if I was ok and needed help.
Help with what, exactly? I'd pressed the crosswalk button, and was waiting for the crosswalk lights to turn green...
Then later on, I passed them on the footpath while they were sitting on a park bench, and they again asked if I was ok and needed help, with... ?going along a perfectly normal footpath?
Both encounters left me feeling
skeeved out
threatened
scared.
[1] By which I mean body language, facial expression, tone of voice that made me feel they were unsafe/had a high probability of touching me or my powerchair without asking first.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 10:46 am (UTC)I wouldn't expect to have enough time to parse it like that if I was driving, though. I guess I do particularly notice people doing odd things, in case the next odd thing they do is walk into the road. But I don't think I'd stop except for obvious distress or an unaccompanied toddler. (I wonder if I would be more likely to if I was male?)
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 04:27 pm (UTC)(The person who stopped in this instance was female -- people presenting as men are more likely to just grab hold of me and start shunting without asking, and to yell at me if I ask them not to, but people presenting as women are more likely to go weirdly out of their way to ask if I want help.)
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 03:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 06:16 pm (UTC):(
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 04:47 pm (UTC)PLEASE TELL ME WHAT GIVES YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT I'M NOT SO I CAN STOP DOING IT.
I think the problem is you exist as a visibly disabled person. I don't know if you particularly want to stop existing.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 06:16 pm (UTC):(
(no subject)
Date: 2018-02-28 06:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-03-03 09:47 pm (UTC)As usual, so well put.
There's a kernel of an essay I haven't been able to write for years, so maybe you could use it? So many people have been schooled on "helping the handicapped" that a visibly disabled person becomes a "help object." That we have to deal with "help objectification," as women have to deal with "sex objectification."