who only by moving can balance

So y'all wanna convince me that I shouldn't discontinue my NSAIDs just because

• I've already been to the GP three times this week and I am bored (by which I mean "super out of cope for managing medical professionals")
  
• there's currently manufacturing/supply issues with both sizes of mefenamic acid
  
• ~it's not that bad really~

... etc?

Like, I have arranged for my pharmacy to text me when they get some more supply in, but I just. It seriously feels like in the meantime least-hassle is (1) stroppily discontinue followed by (2) add ibuprofen in as and when I decide I really do need the continuous anti-inflammatory.

SO. BORED. OF. THIS.

It is 1pm; I have not yet managed to leave the house, in part because neither getting my wheelchair up the stairs then dealing with buses nor getting the tube then walking 2x500m sounds like a thing I want to deal with.

~the DWP still thinks I'm not disabled~

I have been out of the house barely an hour. In that time:

1. I have been reminded that the type of bus that serves the route I generally use to get into work is REALLY badly set up in terms of wheelchair access - if there are people in the seats opposite the wheelchair bay, the only way to get in (and I have a light, readily manoueverable chair!) is to reverse extremely cautiously round the awkward grab rail while they tuck their feet right in.
   
   
2. Fucking smokers at the top of the ramp that is my one sensible entrance into my building by the fucking doors with the fucking no smoking sign in addition to the fact that it's simply fucking outright illegal to smoke there. Normally I cope better; as it is I've already had one exposure this week (That One Gent seriously needs to either do the thing he keeps saying he will and quit OR at minimum sodding tell me if he has smoked in the 24 hours prior to seeing me so I don't have to find out by developing uncontrollable coughing fits + sensitisation lasting days) and as such I was kind of rude, to the tune of "I have a significant cigarette smoke allergy and this is my one sensible route into the building; it would be great if you would comply with the law and not smoke near doors." ("Sorry," he said, "but there's all these schoolchildren," gesturing to the side of the steps where people usually congregate to smoke illegally. "AND AN ENTIRE REST OF THE ROAD," I said, with sweeping gesture behind me.)
   
   
3. The fucking lift into my fucking building is fucking broken afuckinggain and nobody bothered to fucking e-mail me about it. I would care less apart from the fact that my alternate route involves retracing steps past at least one awkward sodding door, followed by a bunch of doors that you have to PULL UPHILL to open having RELEASED THE CATCH WITH YOUR CARD.
   
   
4. AND. THE SMOKERS ON THE FRONT STEPS AT THE FRONT OF MY ACTUAL BUILDING. THE ENTRANCE I CAN'T USE, BECAUSE STEPS. WERE BEING SO UNUTTERABLY VILE THAT THE CENTRAL STAIRWELL ON THE SECOND FLOOR IS NOT CURRENTLY SAFE FOR ME TO USE, DESPITE BEING THE ONLY ROUTE BY WHICH I CAN ACCESS MY WORKSPACE.

In conclusion: set everything on fire, ESPECIALLY SMOKERS. Yes, it will lead to a brief increase in the problem, but it will also be a temporary increase. When I rule the world, the penalty for smoking in public space will in fact be instant immolation. </astonishingly grouchy>

I think the controlled fall I took from my chair at the dining table to the floor twenty minutes ago (& still no signs of wanting to get up) 1. validate my decision to not try leaving the house today and 2. particularly validate my call that spending at least half an hour standing up handling HF would be a Very Bad Plan.

Meanwhile, still no news from the dwp.

1. My strategy for dealing with my insomnia last night (leave main light on, read book until can't any more, pretend is afternoon nap) was good for 4 hours' sleep, which I think is more than I'd have managed otherwise. Hurrah for coping strategies.

2. I have now finished the first Mary Oliver collection I borrowed from the Saison Poetry Library, and it's amazing and I love her (You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.).

3. I need to be in work this afternoon (and building steam has been turned back on, which means that the clean lab isn't at ambient outdoor temperature, hurrah). I was starting from Oxfordshire, via Paddington. I had my wheelchair with me. Paddington is conveniently just north of Hyde Park, which is just north of work. I had an absolutely fantastic explore along the Serpentine - ridiculous waterfowl, several types of snowdrop, narcissi, silver-fern bramble (one of my favourites), a whole pile of beautiful gradated dogwoods interspersed with salix, gorse in flower, birches with pink bark peeling, a tree with astonishing pink catkins, hellebores and mahonias and...

4. ... and yesterday afternoon I visited the Oxford Botanics with That One Lady. They are tiny and adorable and have a whole series of beds organised by which medical discipline the plants were or are used in. Also, lots of my absolute favourite iris (they're predominantly a sort of pale sky blue in person).

5. The 1am bugfuck nuts appears to have been followed by starting a bleed. Thanks, body, for your utter predictability; on the plus side, in the middle of going "EVERYTHING IS SPIDERS" I did at least manage to spot that that was likely what was happening.

6. Actually, one of the other ways I dealt with the insomnia was putting together a tentative setlist for the 10-minute poetry reading I'm doing as part of a General Evening, in late May. I'm going to have to think a bit carefully, because I've selected 9 poems and put them in a coherent order, so that + patter is clearly going to be too long... e-mail to the organisers time, I think.

7. In fact, the General Evening is a monthly event I performed at with Lashings last night. I remain absolutely astonished by my ability to make a room burst out laughing via the medium of improvisation on an approximate theme of my lines; perhaps I shouldn't be, because after all I've been managing that for nearly five years now, but hey.

8. The Situation with the Partner continues to Make Progress. We've managed another several good & useful conversations; things aren't fixed but we are stubborn enough that we're pretty sure we're going to manage, at this point, and we've got a stopgap in place.

9. It's nearly 5pm and the sun hasn't finished setting, yet; currently it is painting the sky gold, and it is glorious.

10. Thank you to, like, half the Internet for taking care of me during meltdown last night - so, so grateful that you will make the time for me. <3 Special shout-out to flippac, who handled the brunt of it solo with no warning. ♥

Content note: mention of self-harm.

It's really, really important for me to feel connected to my body, reminded that I am embodied, and reminded that I'm real. For a huge chunk of my life, the best way I've had to access that when I'm in a state has been self-harm.

Around this time last year I decided that I was always going to have two shower gels on the go, one "warm/snuggly" and one "cold/crisp". I'm actually currently at five.

Also about a year ago, I started getting nicely scented moisturiser for my hands. (On the go at home: E45 with bergamot oil and black pepper added. At work: raspberry body butter.)

And then early this calendar year I got into perfume.

And -- the thing is, these aren't consciously instead of self-harm, and obviously my anti-depressants have a huge amount to do with the ways in which incience of SI is much lower, but -- I think these help too? I really think these help too, in terms of making me more aware of my body and more at home in it.

So: huh.

( Brief description of a thing my joints do. )

I have no idea whether this is normal for hypermobility, or normal without hypermobility, or what, and some sense of what is going on would be great. <3

• put on some music
  
• finish getting dressed
  
• grab one of the doughnuts from the kitchen and eat it
  
• take morning meds and hit reset on the meds timer (including B vitamins HURRAH)
  
• moisturise hands because they feel gross
  
• finish getting this pint of water down my face
  
• e-mail my mum
  
• write down the phone number of place I probably left my phone yesterday and find a payphone or some shit
  
• return book to library, pay fine
  
• pick up notes for the lectures I slept through
  
• make a GP appt

... which all sounds rather beyond me today, honestly, but at least I can make lists? And maybe it's helpful for some of you to see that I make this kind of list for myself, because I think mostly I present as very high-functioning and competent? I'm not sure. In any case, from that point of view, I'd like to point out that neither "showering" nor "brushing my hair" are on that list for today. This shit is hard, you guys, and that's... really no fun at all